The Top 100 They Might Be Giants Songs of All Time

This list is aimed at the overlap between possibly the two smallest groups in the universe: people who can reocgnize a hundred They Might Be Giants songs and people who read my blog.

1. She’s an Angel
2. Destination Moon
3. Dinner Bell
4. Stalk of Wheat
5. Renew My Subscription
6. Finished With Lies (Mink Car version)
7. Birdhouse in Your Soul
8. Doctor Worm
9. 4 of 2
10. Broke in Two
11. Rhythm Section Want Ad
12. We’ve Got a World That Swings
13. Sensurround
14. Ana Ng
15. The House at the Top of the Tree
16. Mammal
17. Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal
18. Bangs
19. My Man
20. Reprehensible
21. Letterbox
22. Experimental Film
23. Asheville (The Orange Peel)
24. Dead
25. She was a Hotel Detective (Back to Skull)
26. Cyclops Rock
27. London (The Astoria)
28. Don’t Let’s Start
29. The Statue Got Me High
30. I Palindrome I
31. Welcome to the Jungle
32. Man, It’s So Loud in Here
33. Hollywood (West Hollywood House of Blues)
34. Flying V
35. Purple Toupee
36. No!
37. Where Your Eyes Don’t Go
38. Spine
39. Thunderbird
40. We Want a Rock
41. Finished With Lies (Live version)
42. Where Do They Make Balloons?
43. Hovering Sombrero
44. Monsters of Mud
45. Sleeping in the Flowers
46. Spiraling Shape
47. Bastard Wants to Hit Me
48. Another First Kiss
49. Sleepwalkers
50. Charleston (The Music Farm)
51. Till My Head Falls Off
52. Fun Assassin
53. Someone Keeps Moving My Chair
54. Memo to Human Resources
55. Fingertips
56. Lullaby to Nightmares
57. Metal Detector
58. Au Contraire
59. Austin (Stubb’s)
60. Feast of Lights
61. No One Knows My Plan
62. Towson (Recher Theatre)
63. My Evil Twin
64. D&W
65. It’s Not My Birthday
66. Damn Good Times
67. I Should Be Allowed to Think
68. They’ll Need a Crane
69. First Kiss
70. Subliminal
71. Drinking
72. Impossible
73. Rest Awhile
74. Why Does the Sun Shine? (The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas) (Live version)
75. No Answer
76. Out of Jail
77. Museum of Idiots
78. We’re the Replacements
79. Meet James Ensor
80. Love is Eternity
81. Ant
82. Can You Find It?
83. Operators are Standing By
84. They Got Lost
85. All Alone
86. Nightgown of the Sullen Moon
87. Stormy Pinkness
88. Save Your Life
89. I am a Human Head
90. Am I Awake
91. Certain People I Could Name
92. New Haven (Toad’s Place)
93. On the Drag
94. Counterfeit Faker
95. Different Town
96. Your Racist Friend
97. The World’s Address
98. Columbia, SC (The Blue Note)
99. Courage the Cowardly Dog
100. Pittsburgh (Mr. Small’s Theatre)

The Top 50 Positions in Team Sports

1. Small forward (basketball)
2. Shortstop (baseball)
3. Center fielder (baseball)
4. Middle linebacker (football)
5. Shooting guard (basketball)
6. Quarterback (football)
7. Midfielder (soccer)
8. Point guard (basketball)
9. Left fielder (baseball)
10. Right wing (hockey)
11. Third baseman (baseball)
12. Goalie (soccer)
13. Free safety (football)
14. Starting pitcher (baseball)
15. Second baseman (baseball)
16. Outside linebacker (football)
17. Running back (football)
18. Kick/punt returner (football)
19. Power forward (basketball)
20. Tight end (football)
21. Center (hockey)
22. Center (basketball)
23. Fullback (football)
24. Right fielder (baseball)
25. Left wing (hockey)
26. Strong safety (football)
27. Wide receiver (football)
28. Defenseman (soccer)
29. Wedge breaker (football)
30. First baseman (baseball)
31. Defensive end (football)
32. Pinch hitter (baseball)
33. Defenseman (hockey)
34. Forward (soccer)
35. Pinch runner (baseball)
36. Closer (baseball)
37. Cornerback (football)
38. Defensive tackle (football)
39. Designated hitter (baseball)
40. Place kicker (football)
41. Middle reliever (baseball)
42. Goalie (hockey)
43. Offensive guard (football)
44. Punter (football)
45. Offensive tackle (football)
46. Long snapper (football)
47. Holder (football)
48. Goon (hockey)
49. Catcher (baseball)
50. Center (football)


Note: I've mixed some "behavioral" positions in with the regular ones where appropriate. You won't find "goon" or even "pinch runner" on a depth chart, but there are certain roles that need to be considered don't fit nicely into any one position.

Branding an Abduction Information Service

As I was watching a baseball game on Sunday, something crawled across the bottom of the screen that made me take notice immediately: Amber Alert! Ever since the Amber Alert was just a local Dallas warning system, I've grown accustomed to paying attention to the forthcoming information on an abducted child. Only this time there was no information. The scroll at the bottom of the screen was simply reporting the results of the AMBER Alert Portal Indy 300 at Kentucky Speedway.

This has to be a new step for a public service like the Amber Alert, and I'm not sure what to make of these types of organizations sponsoring things like sporting events. My initial reaction when I saw it was concern for the dilution of a phrase that is used only in very specific emergency situations. Like it or not, if every football game you watched featured the Flash Flood Warning Starting Lineups, the warning might lose some of its immediacy in an actual emergency.

On the other hand, the event was meant to coincide with Kentucky's rolling out an upgraded Amber Alert system, and as a public service it probably deserves more attention than whatever would have otherwise preceded the name of the event. But if they wish to pursue a course like this, those who "market" the Amber Alert should be careful. Services that subsist on the public's trust are quite different from soft drinks and SUVs: where consumer goods are concerned with gaining brand equity, a program like Amber Alert, which has already achieved collaboration between law enforcement, the media, and the public, might be more concerned with losing brand equity.

p.s. The Amber Alert was begun in the Dallas area, inspired by Amber Hagerman. When it was expanded nationally, some other cities protested that the inspirations for their local alert systems would be forgotten. So the government stepped in with an ingenious solution. I didn't realize this until just now, but the AMBER Alert is no longer named after Amber Hagerman. AMBER is an acronym standing for America's Missing: Broadcast Emergency Response.

The Top 35 BBQ Joints I’ve Eaten At

I realize that I'm missing some of the big spots like Rendezvous, but this still seems like a pretty good list. Where applicable, I've indicated some of what makes the place stand out.

1. John Mueller’s/JMueller (Austin, Texas) (I've been to both incarnations of this one, the building on Manor and the trailer on South First, which miraculously appeared six years after the brick-and-mortar restaurant vanished.)
2. Franklin (Austin, Texas) (It truly is the best brisket you'll ever have, but don't sleep on the pulled pork.)

3. Salt Lick (Driftwood, Texas) (bonus points for being the only place I've had my picture taken with Bevo, and for the family style all-you-can-eat dinner)
4. Rudy’s (Austin, Texas) (bonus points for the creamed corn)
5. (tie) Corky’s (Memphis, Tennessee) (bonus points for best pork shoulder)
Arthur Bryant's (Kansas City, Kansas) (bonus points for the best sandwich and the most succinct ordering)
7. Sonny Bryan’s (Dallas, Texas) (bonus points for the school desks and best onion rings)
8. Meyer’s (Elgin, Texas) (bonus points for being halfway between Aggie football and Longhorn football, and for the best sausage)
9. Opie's (Spicewood, Texas)
10. Stubb’s (Austin, Texas) (bonus points for the music)
11. McClard’s (Hot Springs, Arkansas) (bonus points for the tamales)
12. Luling City Market (Luling, Texas) (bonus points for being the first place I ate off butcher paper)
13. Public Eye (Memphis, Tennessee) (sympathy points for burning down)
14. Goode Company (Houston, Texas) (bonus points for jambalaya)
15. Penguin Ed’s B&B (Fayetteville, Arkansas) (bonus points for the sliced pork sandwiches)
16. Pig-N-Whistle (Memphis, Tennessee)
17. County Line (Austin, Texas) (bonus points for the bread)
18. Spring Creek (Dallas, Texas) (bonus points for the rolls, cobbler, and ice cream)
19. Germantown Commissary (Germantown, Tennessee)
20. Ruby’s (Austin, Texas)
21. Whole Foods Market (Austin, Texas) (bonus points for the habanero sausage)
22. Pok-e-Jo's (Austin, Texas)
23. Iron Works (Austin, Texas)
24. Kruez Market (Lockhart, Texas)
25. Railhead (Fort Worth, Texas)
26. Lambert's (Austin, Texas)
27. Famous Dave's (Wichita, Kansas) (bonus points for the regional sauces)
28. Southside Market (Elgin, Texas)
29. Little Richard's (Winston-Salem, North Carolina) (Tough to evaluate--the chopped pork was, in my opinion, subpar, but the ribs more than made up for it. Good hush puppies, too.)
30. Gridley’s (Memphis, Tennessee)
31. Swinging Door (Richmond, Texas)
32. Colter's (Fort Worth, Texas)
33. Jerry Mikeska's (Columbus, Texas)
34. Tom's (College Station, Texas)
35. Peter's (Ellinger, Texas)

The Eternal Sunshine of the Disheveled Shoebox

This is a story about a new kind of sports activism.

Back in 2001, the story of young Greg "Toe" Nash was gaining a lot of attention among gullible sports junkies, which is to say that he was all the rage in Daniel Lauve's Texas apartment. At first, Toe Nash sounded a lot like Sidd Finch, the Mets' barefoot Zen fireballer whom George Plimpton created for Sports Illustrated as an April Fools joke. (If you haven't read the story of Sidd Finch, then stop whatever you're doing and read it.) But Toe Nash, as revealed by Peter Gammons, was for real. He was a 6'6", 215-pound Little League phenom who had quit school and disappeared into the cane fields of Louisiana. When some scouts came to look at him, he hit monster homers from both sides of the plate and showcased his 95 mph fastball and drop-off-the-table curve. Once scouts from other teams had seen him, they spread the word that they had seen the next Babe Ruth. His talents were so good that his seventh-grade education and fear of civilization were seen as minor problems to be worked out.

Also in 2001, a newly-elected George W. Bush lowered the bottom marginal tax rate, giving me an extra $300 to play with. For some reason, I found myself in a place I hadn't been in several years: a baseball card shop, talking with the owner about her encounters with Stan Musial, Ozzie Smith, Willie McGee, and others. I decided to spend some of my rebate money on some baseball cards: $25 on an Albert Pujols rookie card, $1 on a Stan Musial/Mark McGwire card (the woman asked me if I was buying the card because of McGwire, and I said, "No, Musial," which prompted her trip down memory lane), and a few dollars on a Tampa Bay Devil Rays Toe Nash rookie card.

The Toe Nash card found its place at the bottom of some box and stayed there until the next year, when Toe's name came up once again. This time, he was arrested for aggravated rape of a 15-year-old girl. He pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of sex with a minor and spent eight months in prison. When I learned of the seriousness and credibility of the charges, I tore the baseball card in half and threw it in the trash.*

There was something very gratifying about disposing of that card. You've gotta understand that for a certain type of guy from a certain era (which has unfortunately passed), the baseball card is like a player's identity captured on cardboard. As funny as it may sound, when I threw away that card, I felt like I was erasing Toe Nash from baseball history.

As nice as that one act was, it was still just a single, solitary act. I wonder what would happen if a) many people had done what I did and b) the player for whom the "message" was intended actually received the message.

Imagine a prominent player, let's say Rafael Palmeiro, arriving at the clubhouse to find a huge sack of mail right next to his locker. He opens it, and out spill a few thousand cards bearing his image, sent in by thousands of fans who don't like the feeling they get in the pit of their stomach when they see Raffy's cards next to those of players they still respect and admire.

For a certain type of sports fan, I think this is a very powerful image. As an adult, I can accept that we speak logically about what Palmeiro did wrong and how MLB should respond, but that doesn't satisfy the 9-year-old in me. That kid can still tell you exactly what Raffy's 1987 Topps "Future Stars" card looks like (even though I haven't seen it in a few years and can't dig it up right now--it's in storage) and has an emotional reaction to the steroid controversy that's not satisfied by 10-game suspensions.

I'm proposing a very public, impactful, and cathartic form of sports activism. Every time a player is shown to have used steroids, he has his baseball cards returned to him from every fan who can't stand possessing them. And if I'm a young player a few lockers down from Rafael Palmeiro, that sight would send a much stronger message than anything I would see from Major League Baseball, or from the players' union, or in the media.

*Having gone back and looked at the current version of the Toe Nash story, I wonder whether I was justified in tearing up the baseball card. Nash claims that he and the girl had consensual sex, and the girl has established a record of inventing rape charges. Hopefully Nash, who was dropped by the Devil Rays, picked up by the Reds, and dropped by the Reds after an arrest for assault, can turn things around, though his baseball life is almost certainly over.