The Top 75 Beatles Songs of All Time

1. The Long and Winding Road
2. Hey Bulldog
3. Two of Us
4. Here Comes the Sun
5. Paperback Writer
6. We Can Work It Out
7. Happiness is a Warm Gun
8. Blackbird
9. Penny Lane
10. She Loves You
11. Nowhere Man
12. Please Please Me
13. Mean Mr. Mustard/Polythene Pam/She Came in Through the Bathroom Window
14. Rain
15. Lovely Rita
16. For No One
17. Help!
18. Back in the U.S.S.R.
19. From Me To You
20. If I Fell
21. Let It Be
22. A Hard Day’s Night
23. Martha My Dear
24. Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End
25. Hey Jude
26. I’ll Follow the Sun
27. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
28. I’ll Be Back
29. This Boy
30. Don’t Let Me Down
31. Magical Mystery Tour
32. Rocky Raccoon
33. Lady Madonna
34. The Ballad of John and Yoko
35. Strawberry Fields Forever
36. Sexy Sadie
37. I Saw Her Standing There
38. Fixing a Hole
39. Get Back
40. I Feel Fine
41. I’ve Just Seen a Face
42. Don’t Pass Me By
43. I Should Have Known Better
44. Your Mother Should Know
45. Good Morning, Good Morning
46. I am the Walrus
47. In My Life
48. Here, There, and Everywhere
49. Little Child
50. Piggies
51. Yesterday
52. Cry Baby Cry
53. All Together Now
54. Hello Goodbye
55. Got to Get You Into My Life
56. Eight Days a Week
57. Savoy Truffle
58. Good Day Sunshine
59. Devil in Her Heart
60. Tell Me Why
61. Something
62. I’m a Loser
63. The Fool on the Hill
64. You Never Give Me Your Money
65. The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill
66. Birthday
67. And Your Bird Can Sing
68. Octopus’s Garden
69. Day Tripper
70. Glass Onion
71. I Want You (She’s So Heavy)
72. If I Needed Someone
73. Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite
74. Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey
75. Mother Nature’s Son

Quick Hits

We who are about to be voted off salute you
Having seen the direction of reality television, I'm convinced that I really need to become a celebrity. That way, the next time I need to decide where to eat lunch, or what channel to watch, or what barber to use, I can just make a reality show out of it and profit from my inability to choose these things on my own.

I've thought for a while that reality television has the ability to reverse the democratization that television has brought. Television, like radio before it, brought news and entertainment to rich and poor alike. Reality television reminds me a little more of the gladiators from Roman times, as desperate people get onto these shows and generally make fools of themselves, receiving either a thumbs up or a thumbs down from a judge, producer, or celebrity. It gives hopefuls the illusion of upward mobility but arguably leaves most participants worse off than they started. It's like the lottery, if losing at the lottery came with the possibility of having your worst moments seen by the entire country.

"Did you order the code red?"
I'm not an unintelligent human being, but I've gotta admit that the whole Karl Rove ordeal has got my head spinning. It reminds me a lot of the first five or six times I saw A Few Good Men. I always managed to miss the first half hour or so when it came on TV, so it always gave me tired head, with all its talk of who ordered what when and who knew what and what the chain of command was and what's proper procedure compared with what actually happened. Same thing with Karl Rove: I'm having trouble following a story I picked up sort of late, and on top of the complexity you've got the pundits on both sides offering their 100% contradictory versions of what happened. It looks like the only way out of this is if Patrick Fitzgerald can put Rove on the stand and have an "I want the truth" moment.

p.s. Patrick Fitzgerald was also the name of a kid in Cub Scouts with me back in the third grade. His claim to fame was one day when his mom was talking about George Washington crossing the Delaware and he insisted that she call it the "Dela-under-ware." And she did.

Crimes Against Logic
Crimes Against Logic, the book I'm reading right now, is the Ike Turner of books. It's a book about the logical mistakes people make, and it is in many places brilliant, with many moments that will have you nodding your head. The problem is that author Jamie Whyte is flat-out angry for the entire book. He shows contempt for people who are not as intelligent or careful as he claims to be. Rather than simply describing where we all fall short, he lapses into a tone that drags his book into becoming a chore. Still, it's got enough brilliance to keep you on board. But just barely.

Diet Pepsi: The Settled Choice of a Familiar Generation

Diet Pepsi's newest commercial seems clever enough. But given the positions that Coke and Pepsi have spent years staking out, it can also be seen as somewhat of a departure from how Pepsi wants us to view it with respect to Coke.

The commercial takes place on a beach. Outside a small building sit two vending machines, one with Diet Coke and the other with Diet Pepsi. As the Lovin' Spoonful's "Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind" plays, a man approaches the vending machines, thinks for a second, and chooses Diet Pepsi. A forklift then comes along and takes away the Diet Coke machine, replacing it with Diet Coke with Splenda. A woman chooses Diet Pepsi, at which point another forklift removes Diet Coke with Splenda and inserts Coca-Cola Zero. Then Coca-Cola Zero is replaced by the next Diet Coke product, whose name is obscured.

Granted, these are not the flagship brands, but the direction Pepsi is going is certainly interesting. For about as long as there have been cola wars, the positioning of the two has been well known. Coke is the established standard: "Coke is it," "It's the real thing," "Always Coca-Cola." Pepsi is younger, the up-and-comer: "Pepsi now," "The choice of a new generation," "Be young, have fun, drink Pepsi," "Generation next." The latest commercial tells a different story--Diet Pepsi is the constant that people continue to prefer, irrespective of whatever the latest trendy product offering is from Diet Coke.

How meaningful is this change of direction? Another prominent commercial shows Diet Pepsi dancing to the Ramones in a convenience store fridge while stodgy old Diet Coke complains about the noise, so the message of the vending machine commercial appears unique. Which makes it even more peculiar. But maybe it will be successful, so long as people forget about Pepsi One.

The Top 60 Cartoon Characters of All Time

1. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)
2. Mr. Peabody and Sherman (Rocky and Bullwinkle)
3. Wile E. Coyote (Looney Tunes) (includes his most notable incarnation in the Roadrunner series, as well as the Super Genius foil to Bugs Bunny and as Ralph Wolf versus Sam Sheepdog)
4. Bullwinkle J. Moose (Rocky and Bullwinkle)
5. Pepe Le Pew (Looney Tunes)
6. Milhouse Van Houten (The Simpsons)
7. Yosemite Sam (Looney Tunes)
8. Snidely Whiplash (Rocky and Bullwinkle)
9. Daffy Duck (Looney Tunes)
10. Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes)
11. Rocket J. Squirrel (Rocky and Bullwinkle)
12. SpongeBob SquarePants
13. Augie Doggie and Doggie Daddy (Hanna-Barbera)
14. Tigger
15. Charlie Brown
16. Ralph Wiggum (The Simpsons)
17. Droopy Dog
18. Tom the Cat (Hanna-Barbera)*
19. George of the Jungle
20. Foghorn Leghorn (Looney Tunes)
21. Snagglepuss (Hanna-Barbera)
22. The Tasmanian Devil (Looney Tunes)
23. Hank Hill (King of the Hill)
24. Underdog
25. Captain Caveman (Hanna-Barbera)
26. Speedy Gonzalez (Looney Tunes)
27. J. Wellington Wimpy (Popeye)
28. Elmer Fudd (Looney Tunes)
29. Space Ghost (Hanna-Barbera)
30. Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale (Rocky and Bullwinkle)
31. Ren and Stimpy
32. Sylvester J. Pussycat Senior (Looney Tunes)
33. George Jetson (Hanna-Barbera)
34. Mighty Mouse
35. Patrick the Starfish (SpongeBob Squarepants)
36. Ned Flanders (The Simpsons)
37. Mushmouth (Fat Albert)
38. Beavis and Butthead
39. Sandy Cheeks (SpongeBob SquarePants)
40. Maggie Simpson (The Simpsons)
41. Grape Ape (Hanna-Barbera)
42. Woody Woodpecker
43. Porky Pig (Looney Tunes)
44. Astro (Tralfaz) Jetson (Hanna-Barbera)
45. Marvin the Martian (Looney Tunes)
46. Hong Kong Phooey (Hanna-Barbera)
47. Felix the Cat
48. Nelson Muntz (The Simpsons)
49. Roger Rabbit
50. Inspector Gadget
51. Jabberjaw (Hanna-Barbera)
52. Shaggy (Hanna-Barbera)
53. Huckleberry Hound (Hanna-Barbera)
54. Mr. Smee (Peter Pan)
55. Dumb Donald (Fat Albert)
56. Yogi Bear (Hanna-Barbera)
57. Muttley (Hanna-Barbera)
58. The Pink Panther
59. Disco Stu (The Simpsons)
60. Monkey (Dial M for Monkey)

*I really don't want to rank Tom this highly because Tom and Jerry was really never that funny, but the fraction of a second when Tom gets his tail caught in a mousetrap or sits on a tack and then screams like a human being is always one of the funniest things I'll ever see.

If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was…

Osborne Earl Smith was born on December 26, 1954, in Mobile, Alabama. He grew up in the Watts section of Los Angeles, where he practiced fielding outside his home using a paper bag instead of a glove. He attended California Polytechnic University on an academic scholarship, and he also played baseball. He was drafted in the fourth round of the 1977 draft by the San Diego Padres.

In his first season with the Padres, Ozzie played 159 games and finished second in the Rookie of the Year voting. In 1980, he won a Gold Glove at shortstop and set the major league record for most assists by a shortstop in a single season. In 1982, he was traded for Garry Templeton, another shortstop who was considered far superior to Smith offensively. The 1982 Cardinals won the World Series, and in the offseason Ozzie became baseball's first shortstop to earn $1 million per year. In explaining the contract, Cards manager Whitey Herzog said, "He took two hits or a run away from our opponents every game last year. That’s just as important as a guy who drives in runs."

The Cardinals of the 1980s were much like Smith himself: fast, smart, switch-hitting, able to manufacture runs, and exceptional in the field. Ozzie was the unquestioned leader of a team that included such terrors on the base paths as Vince Coleman, Willie McGee, and Andy Van Slyke. Despite not leading the team in steals, Smith was considered the team's most important base stealer by Whitey Herzog. Said Herzog, "The guy who stole the most bases that meant winning baseball games was Ozzie...Ozzie's forty-some thefts a year meant more to us than Vince's 100 did."

Smith's legacy as a shortstop is unmatched. He played in 15 consecutive All-Star games and earned 13 consecutive Gold Gloves, the most by any position player. Despite being labeled a one-dimensional player early in his career, he finished with almost 2500 hits. He holds major league records for assists and double plays.

The legacy Smith was building on the field was paralleled by the legacy he was building off the field. In 1994, he was awarded the Branch Rickey award, given to the player who personifies "service above self."

As a Padre, Ozzie said "thank you" to the fans on Fan Appreciation Day in the form of a backflip. He took the backflip to St. Louis and performed it before every home game. He once even brought his young son out onto the field to perform a somersault, which was the talk of Mrs. Adams's second grade class at Chesterfield Elementary the next morning.

For obvious reasons, Ozzie was nicknamed "The Wizard," a nickname that went a long way in describing what it felt like to go to the ballpark and see him play. Watching Ozzie play was pure magic. When he turned a double play, he didn't just jump to avoid the runner arriving at second; he floated. In 1996, Ozzie was in his final year, and rookie Doug Glanville decided to make his presence known by taking Ozzie out at second.

"So I slid where most mortal shortstops would have positioned themselves," Glanville said. "And he moved the complete opposite way to turn it. I must have missed him by 10 feet."

Of all the games I've attended in any sport, Ozzie had the greatest presence of any competitor I've ever seen. When you watch Alex Rodriguez or Randy Johnson or Barry Bonds you feel awe; when you watch Ozzie Smith you feel joy. At the same time, Ozzie made you feel sorry for all the people who would never get to see him in person.

To many people, the nickname "Wizard" encapsulates a lot about the playing career of a very gifted athlete, yes, but it also brings to mind an exceptional human being playing in a great baseball town. It elicits memories of the city that did what it was told and went crazy when Ozzie's homer bounced off the concrete support in right field to bring the Cardinals within a game of the 1985 World Series.

A primary virtue of nicknames is brevity. "Wizard" certainly accomplishes that--it packs 19 years worth of incredibly evocative sports memories into two tiny syllables.

MTV and VH1*

Last weekend's Live 8 concerts may or may not achieve their stated objective of coaxing more aid for Africa from world leaders, but they have already accomplished two very important things: getting MTV and VH1 to actually play some music (at this point reminding people that both of these networks began as music networks is like reminding people that IBM started out processing punch cards) and giving us some insight into the difference between the "personalities" of MTV and VH1.

For eight hours on Saturday, both networks ran identical Live 8 programming--identical, that is, except for the commercials that ran in between the concert coverage. Which means that Saturday's programming functioned essentially like a branding experiment: since advertisers were not buying space on unique programming, they were essentially buying the demographics drawn in by the networks themselves.

I watched Live 8 for almost two hours and catalogued the commercials on each networks, and the results were largely unsurprising. Companies buying space on VH1 think that your most important possession is your home, while those buying on MTV think that your most important possession is your CD player. VH1 featured ads for Verizon Broadband, State Farm, Furniture Row, and Sherwin Williams, while MTV had very long commercials for Slow Motion (a slow jams collection), Echoes (Pink Floyd's greatest hits), a Motley Crue best of, and an album by the Transplants. The MTV audience is clearly expected to be younger and more urban--that showed through in numerous ways, but oddly enough not in movies. Bewitched and Must Love Dogs, two standard issue romantic comedies, were advertised on MTV, while Hustle and Flow, a film about a pimp transitioning into a rap career, was featured alongside Hanes and Acura ads on VH1.

Both MTV and VH1 viewers like to eat at Dairy Queen, as that was the only commercial I saw that was shown on both networks. Both types of viewers get acne, though MTV viewers treat it with Proactiv while VH1 viewers use Neutrogena Acne Solutions. Both like music--MTV viewers use their iPods and VH1 viewers have XM Satellite Radio. Both like computers--MTVers need computers from Dell, while VH1ers need services to go with their computers like Verizon Broadband and Cox High Speed Internet.

Overall, MTV is attractive to advertisers who have "stuff" to sell. VH1 is both for stuff and the stuff to go with your stuff--the services and add-ons that separate the adults from the kids, plus all the stuff the kids can't afford. As Kent Brockman would say, "This barely qualifies as news."

*I was going to title this entry, "Raj Would Be Proud," but after having written it, I'm convinced that he wouldn't be. At all.