The War on God Bless You

It's that time of year again. The time when we all strive for peace, love, and good health, though the forces of evil sit right around the corner. It's allergy season. And though most of us see this as a time to spread good wishes, the forces of secularism are out to ruin it once again.

Since the Middle Ages, "God bless you" has been an effective means for not only warding off disease, but also for letting everyone in your vicinity know whose side you stood on, eternally speaking. But somewhere along the way, we have gone from "God bless you" to just "Bless you." Apparently, being relatively free of bubonic plague for the last few centuries has emboldened us to the point where we no longer feel the need to invoke the source of all our blessings. "Bless you" is hardly a blessing at all; it's a sentence without a subject. And it's also a way of surreptitiously shutting out those of us who oppose the secularization of sneeze acknowledgments. Consider the following:

In Minot, ND, a kindergarten teacher said "God bless you" after a five-year-old girl sneezed in class. That girl's mother petitioned the school board, and the teacher was put on a 30-day probation.

In Cleveland, OH, Wal-Mart employees have been instructed to give a two-word response to anyone spreading germs on store premises: "Bless you." The employee handbook has been amended to read, "If any employee hears another person in the store, whether co-employee or guest, issue an audible sneeze, he or she is to respond with a polite but unmistakable '[censored] bless you.'"

In Ontario, CA, a family of ear, nose, and throat specialists placed a giant sign reading "God Bless You" in their front yard. The sign was repeatedly vandalized, and several attempts were made to steal it. The neighborhood home owner's association took no action.

What's worse, many religious leaders seem to be turning a blind eye to this phenomenon, even, in some cases, leading their flocks in the wrong direction. Bill O'Reilly, well-known pundit and talk show host, recounts a story in which he realized the severity of the problem. "I'm sitting on an airplane, and I've got a minister sitting next to me. I sneeze, and he says, 'Bless you.' That's it. Not even a 'G'bless you.' Nothing. It pains me to think about this man standing in front of a congregation every Sunday and sermonizing on moral issues."

Some allergy season in the not-too-distant future, it will be possible to sneeze without inviting others to display a paradoxical indifference toward their creator. Until then, just hold it in.